Went out yestersay Got absolutely hammered. ended in a drunken walk home. At some point I decided to sit down on the side of the road for a bit of a rest. Unfortunately I didn’t see the brokenbottle until it was too late. Got home and promptly managed to snap the front door key off in the door. Luckily my gran was awake so she let me in, totally unamused. Went into the kitchen. What between me stumbling around and an old fridge that used to start with a bit of a jolt, jasper, my goldfish who had a twin brother , decided enough was enough. His bowl was on top of the fridge. Don’t know if Goldfish sleep, but anyway, he and his brother, got a fright and jumped out the bowl onto the kitchen floor. By this stage I was rather hungry. Oooh. Look a piece of carrot on the floor...I will apply the five second rule and eat it....Goldfish...Bleugh... That was the end of Bob. Managed to get his brother Bob, back into the bowl unscathed
Anyway, having tried to wash the taste of Goldfish out my mouth ,I decided brush my teeth and go to bed. Better go to the loo too... Pulled my shredded underpants off. Had kind of forgotten about that. Nothing for it, I need to administer serious first aid to my Glutemus Maximus. Big box of plasters, detol and some tweezers to pull out a shard of glass or two. Ever tried to pull glass out your arse when you have partaken in too many adult beverages? Not so easy. Landed up using the big mirror in the bathroom to see what I was doing. Ever tried to use tweezers whilst looking in a mirror?
Anyway. Eventual success and I went off to bed. Was rudely awoken very early in the morning by a very distraught gran. Which, quite frankly I thought was totally uncalled for. I had been meticulous in cleaning up the blood in my bathroom. so I was totally stumped as to how the gran had any inkling that I might be nursing a shredded rear end
Got up and went into the bathroom and it all became apparent....I had been standing on the bathroom slab, straddling the wash basin, looking at my bum in the mirror, cleaning wounds and applying plasters.....
Only one slight problem....all the plasters were still stuck exactly where I had put them.....on the mirror eeek.
So been in A&E for most of today..
