If there is a drain on whatever system Set a dvm up with long cables next to the fuse box for current so you can see, then systematically pull fuses - when you pull the one that is parasitic will show on the meter.
 
If you get the right battery for the model, you should be fine. I had a wealth of trouble with the wrong battery. Before it I would park her up, go away for over 12 weeks, come back and fire her up, no issues. Went through the issues. Eventually got right battery, now she sits for two weeks or more at a time, I do around 60-80 miles a month, and start her first time ( hopes not to jinx it)
The usual way to look at random L322 faults is, battery, diagnostics. Then go further if need be.

Thank you. The battery was only kicking out 12.2volts which I understand isn’t quite enough? So maybe that’s the first thing to change...
 
If there is a drain on whatever system Set a dvm up with long cables next to the fuse box for current so you can see, then systematically pull fuses - when you pull the one that is parasitic will show on the meter.

Would one of those <£10 eBay volt meters suffice do you think? Or would I need something heavier duty?
 
Check that they are seating properly when you switch engine off. They are known to be a drain, if they are not seated correctly.

This is how the headlight wipers are sat (photos attached). The drivers side wiper is sat ever so slightly higher? But is that improper/enough to cause a drain?
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Don’t need an expensive dvm, cheap one are accurate enough for cars just don’t use them on mains.
Certain way to set it up or you will blow the unit as for current it passes through it, not difficult task when you know how, garage could do it cheap enough also, if you were closer I’d do it for you, atleast then you will know where the drain is coming from.
MF31 battery is good shout.
 
12.2 volts is a failed dead battery, you need a new one and charge it over night before fitting the new one, then go from there and check for drain with volt meter, also check battery voltage engine running at 2000rpm with heater lights and everything on and let us know reading.
 
This is how the headlight wipers are sat (photos attached). The drivers side wiper is sat ever so slightly higher? But is that improper/enough to cause a drain? View attachment 215582View attachment 215583

That is almost a perfect example of it not seating correctly. Sadly, just pushing it back into place, is not enough. I can't remember clearly, but, I believe it's a new motor that is needed. Had mine done, during the battery saga, so details lost in the mix.
 
Lucky you , but as it is a known fault, the OP might as well check it.

Yes, I’m going to get the garage to check it tomorrow if possible. Jump started her today with one of those portable jump starters. Should the negative terminal have sparked?! ‘cos it did. Exciting.
 
Also made a stupid, stupid error today. Got the non-closing sunroof shut a day or so after getting it. Vowed never to open it again...guess who tried to do the reset procedure today and now has a wide open sunroof that won’t close.

The sunroof clicks after the first 20secs of holding the tilt button. But when I press the tilt button for a second time it makes a ‘back and forth’ noise and nothing happens. Stays wide open. Is it just an allen key to manually close it? I tried but the manual cog wouldn’t seem to shift.

Fuse is fine, btw. Which I guess I knew already because the sunroof is clicking when I try to reset. But wanted to be sure!
 
So to update:

There is a 3amp parasitic drain when the ignition’s turned off. It drops down to around 2.5amps after ten minutes of shutdown. Eventually left with a 2.6amp paristic drain at 12.2volts

Regulated output from alternator at 14.1volts is 60-70amps. Rising to 88amps under load.

With the fans on it goes up to 81amps so alternator is working under volts and amps.

Acceptance amperage of 38amps.

So the battery is taking and holding a charge and it’s not the alternator. Hopefully the BMW specialist will be able to get some more targeted information on Monday. But does anyone in here have an immediate reaction to that 2.5/2.6amp drain? Hoping someone says that’s definitely the final stage resistor ’cos I think even I could fit that!

That's a lot of amps. That's going to keep killing batteries. You need to find the drain or it will keep killing batteries. Looks like that battery drain thing isn't working so get your money back. It might even being keeping the car's brain awake and adding to the problem although that headlight wiper needs checking.
 
They are all 12v so it’s the space it takes up....are all l322 battery compartments the same?...I don’t know but I would guess so but it’s not my money
If it doesn’t fit send it back as wrong one and exchange simples ;)

Yo can fit it yourself but they are heavy and it is tight - there is a procedure for changing battery on your vehicle you must follow or trouble may ensue
 

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